


Cry for Help

by JoyKatieWrites



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Family, Hurt, Love, M for themes, happy ever after?, lifeline - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2020-12-21 10:43:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21073589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyKatieWrites/pseuds/JoyKatieWrites
Summary: This is a major trigger warning story. I started writing this for a reason. I intend to write it when I need to. It is not something that will have frequent updates.She wanted help. She needed it. She didn't know how to ask for it. Sometimes help comes from the most unexpected of places. But a silent cry for help doesn't necessarily mean you are ready to accept it.M for themes.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this work is very personal to me. I write when I feel I need to and it has a very loose plan.
> 
> I understand this can be a major trigger to people and I put the warning in the summary so you can avoid it if necessary. I am undecided yet because I am in a different mindframe when I write this particular story, but I reallly want it to have a happy ending. We shall see.

Cry For Help

All it would take is one step. One jump. One cut.  
She could do it.  
Couldn't she?

Could she?

Did she have it in her to take such a drastic step?  
Did she even need to?

Would anyone care?  
Would they be happy that she had done something right for the first time?

What if it failed?  
Would they laugh? Would they mock her because she can't even do that properly?  
Would she spend the rest of her life being reminded of how she can't even end her own life successfully?

Was she weak for wanting to do it?  
Or was she weak for questioning whether she should?

Is it possible to have regrets in the afterlife?  
Is there even any such thing as life after death?

Would she take this step and then just cease to exist?  
What about her family? Would they remember her? Would they forgive her?

Is she being too impulsive? She has thought about this. She has considered her options.

It was clear that she could do it…

The question was whether she should.


	2. Reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger. Obviously.

“I want to die.”

“Excuse me?” The response from Archie was quiet and questioning, having not expected those to be the first words out of her mouth when she entered the room. “Do you want to tell me why you said that?”

“Well. I said it because I feel it.”

“Maybe I should rephrase my question Mayor Mills… what is going on that makes you feel that way?” Regina shook her head, unwilling or unable to put her complex thoughts into words. She stood from the seat she had taken and made her way to the window, looking out at the town she now loathed.

“I gave up everything… everything for a second chance at a new life. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be living a life of joy and love and magical memories. I was not supposed to be waking to a feeling of dread of the coming day. I was not supposed to be awake until the small hours, until crying exhausts me enough to fall asleep. I am not saying I deserve anything, that I am entitled to anything. But I don’t think my past lives should dictate that every day from now until forever makes me want to die. Not just that… it makes me want to do it myself.” She looked up at Archie, expecting him to speak but there was nothing. He simply watched her passively, as if waiting for her to continue.

“I know I have Henry. I wouldn’t do that to him. But this is the thing. I want to die. I have for years. And I am going to do it. I’m just… waiting for the right time.” Again, the room was silent, this time for a matter of minutes before Archie realised she wanted him to speak.

“You seem pretty certain in your intent Madam Mayor… so what did you hope to achieve by coming here?” He saw the twitch of anger in her eye, and continued before she opened her mouth. “By that, I mean… how can I help you? You obviously came for a reason. Whether to try and get me to talk you out of it, or if you want someone to just listen while you talk? What can I do to make sure you don’t have to go through this alone?”

Regina’s eyes were sad and she was staring out the window as if her mind was occupied. Archie waited. He pretended not to notice her wipe the lone tear from her eye. “When the time comes, I just want Henry to know that I…” She hesitated again as she searched for the right work and the word she choked out surprised the doctor. “…tried to do better. For him”


	3. Realisation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was feeling some things and I didn't think I could tell anyone about it but I needed some way to get it out then this happened so.

Regina was steadfast in her decision, in her thoughts, but for some reason, she felt as if she needed to talk it through with someone. And when it came to deciding who, there was only one answer. It was not the one she expected. She pulled the stool closer and sat down, facing the general direction that she usually did when she was talking to her mother.

“I need to run something by you. It’s going to sound crazy, believe me I know that, but it feels as though I have come to a realisation and I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. To put it bluntly, I think my realisation is that I am not scared to die. I used to be. But now, it’s just like I am waiting for it to happen. Or at least that I will be ready for it when it does. The future doesn’t scare me anymore, because whenever anything happens that I thought I’d be scared of… I just think ‘well it’s okay because I’ll be dead before then’. And I know that that seems redundant, with everything you taught me mother, but really, I’m being brave. I’m making my own decisions and I’m taking charge of my own life, and I’m not letting anyone make decisions for me. I’m living like you raised me to be. Except in this case… well I guess living means dying. But that’s okay. Because that’s what I want.”

As she finished speaking, she felt as if a weight had been lifted from her chest. She’d been trying to piece together how she felt ever since she first spoke to Archie all those weeks ago. Things had improved for her, she wasn’t always feeling so low, but the thought was always there in the back of her mind. She knew she couldn’t explain her realisation to anyone living, it would hurt them or it would hurt her, but she couldn’t keep it inside her anymore. For the first time, telling her mother something had caused her feelings of relief, not pain and sadness.

“Regina?” The word shook the woman to her core, the sound echoing through the otherwise now silent room. She turned to face the intruder, who stood staring at her, pale faced, as if they had seen a ghost. She could tell by the anguished look in their eyes that they had heard what she had been saying.


	4. Reckless

_Everyone expects more from me than I am able to give. I have been more to people than I should have so now they come to expect it. When will it ever be enough? When will I have to stop proving myself to them?_

_Sometimes I can’t stop the overwhelming feeling that the world would be a better place if I wasn’t in it. But I have discovered I am too much of a coward to do it for myself so I have come to the conclusion that I need someone to do it for me. I am not scared. Not of dying, nor really of leaving the people I love. It doesn’t make me sad anymore to think of taking the now necessary step. I’m waiting for the right time so that it has less an effect on those around me. _

_But saying that… about how I am not scared, maybe it’s too much the other way. I feel reckless. I am not scared about putting myself in danger, or in situations that could lead me to get hurt. In fact, I welcome it… I want it to happen. I need for someone to… It would mean that my suffering would end, and it would limit the suffering of my family._

Regina closed her diary with a sigh, waving her hand, watching as the notebook disappeared, hidden somewhere only her magic could locate. She could feel Emma watching her from the chair on the other side of the room, a gaze she had felt on her since she caught her in the crypt the day before.

“What were you writing?” Regina avoided looking at her, knowing the woman could tell when she was lying.

“Archie told me to write down what I was feeling… he thinks it might help. So I wanted to try.” She heard a noise of acknowledgement from her friend but still didn’t dare look at her. They hadn’t talked properly since she had been discovered talking to her mother the previous day, but Emma, always the saviour, had refused to leave her side. Honestly Regina didn’t mind it, she knew that it would help the blonde to be there for her right now so she didn’t fight it. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that as much as she valued her as a friend, as much as she cared for and even loved her… she knew that Emma would be better without her.


End file.
